Strange...

I signed in to my blog today for no apparent reason. Well actually, that's not true, I'm frustrated and didn't know where to go to express myself. Oddly enough, its been a year to the day since I last wrote anything here. Not like I really have anything special to say but just thought it was interesting. I still have hope that one day I'll write something worth reading here.

So I said I'd try...

And here I am trying. Question is, what do I say? We had an exercise in my 7th grade English class during our free-write sessions where if you couldnt think of anything to write, you just kept writing over and over, "I don't know what to write." I believe that was the only creative writing class I've ever taken. I really enjoyed it. I'd have to thank Mr. MacMillan for getting me into writing. I'd have to thank my last job for killing the passion. I know people say when you do what you love for a living, it doesn't feel like a job. My last job as an editor of a publication killed the passion I had for writing, as much as I wanted to write, I couldn't stand being in front of a keyboard anymore. That's another thing, writing on paper and typing on screen are two different worlds. The pencil in your hand (I hate pen) gives you a feeling of creation. Your own handwriting, as messy or as intricate as may be, is yours. People can identify your writing, they know you wrote this. On screen, every one by default is now Arial or Times New Roman. On this blog, feel free to call me Verdana.

For my little sister...

I was asked to do something for someone by doing something for me. As selfish as some people think me to be, I don't do much for me, there's no motivation for it. Nothing moves me to try and do something for myself mostly because I don't care to prove anything to myself. I won't get into what motivates me or why I do things because frankly, its not something I care to share with the general public. This probably leaves you thinking, "Well you opened up the subject."

Very true.

I haven't been here in almost 3 years. The last time I was here, it was a different person writing, a lot can happen in 3 years. I can tell you a lot happened in the month and a half following that last post that made this a different person, so you can imagine what 3 years has done. I don't know if I want to be here, I don't know if I want to be writing because this doesn't feel right. Like I said though, someone asked me to do something for them by doing something for me. So here's to trying...

What happened?

Back in the day, and I mean wayyyy back in the day when we're all little children of 6 and 7, we had dreams and aspirations of being really big things. I want to be an astronaut, I want to be president, I want to be a movie star... When you get a little older you still aim high but you're more practical. I want to be brain surgeon, I want to be an architect or designer, I want to be a hotshot lawyer. A lot of those dreams come true, the really big ones and the more practical ones. We sit there and imagine our futures, no child didn't want lots of money, fancy cars, big house with a pool in the back.

Stop today and you take stock of your life. Look around you. It nothing like what you had imagined or what you had in mind. Some of you might be disappointed, some of you might be overwhelmed, some might be stunned or shocked. I'm in awe. I never could have seen me in this light. I'd never have imagined that I'd be where I am and doing what I'm doing, living how I'm living. I never pictured this. How many of you, truly thought you'd be where you are today, doing what you're doing, living how you're living? Is it the job you'd wanted? Is it the career you'd chosen? Are you with the person you'd imagined? Are you in the country where you wanted to be?

I don't know how my life got to be the way its today, most people wont be able to look back and say, that's the definitive moment where my life changed direction from what I wanted to what I have now. But the big question is, how many are truly happy? If you're not happy, could it be because you're so attached to that dream in your head that you don't appreciate what you have now? Are you stuck in what might have been to enjoy what is? Are you missing out on what you have today? What if one day you open your eyes and what you have now is gone?

Pray that one day you open your eyes and you can see. You can see what you hadn't seen before. You can let go of your past dreams and learn to create new ones that you can work for while being happy with what you have. A large part of being happy is being content with what you have. I'm not saying don't have dreams and ambitions, but be grateful for what you have in hand before you go for better, because you never know when it may all be gone.

In an instant your life can change, for better or for worse. I know my life did, I didn't even realize when it happened. I'm blessed, my life changed and I woke up seeing my life, seeing what I had, the people in it, my family, my friends. I felt God come back into my life. My life has changed, if you called it a miracle you wouldn't be far off. I was very fortunate and I hope others are too. I'm just scared for those out there who are missing out on what they have because they are thinking about what they want to have.

You may think that I'm a nut or talking nonsense or being all preachy about how to think and live life. But I can tell you this, I'm truly happy.

Revisionist History...

It's been over a year since my last post on this blog, and I feel that its the appropriate time to begin writing here again, starting with a post about my last post. A lot happens in a year, and things that happened a year ago, are now in a different frame of reference all together. In a year you learn more than you can ever fathom and it's all little things that accumulate in the back of your mind and teach you how to live life, how to react, how to communicate, how to survive and so many other functions that we take for granted. I look back on that year and I think, without that let down, I would not be here today. I've learned that there is a masterplan, not ours but Gods. We're all part of the masterplan, and the sooner we accept His will, the easier life becomes to understand. Whatever you experience its a means of steering you in the right direction and the more you listen, the less severe the steering will be. If I had listened, I would have not suffered such a let down or disappointment, I would have followed His direction long before I ever reached that point. While what I wrote before I still believe is true, understanding the reasons behind it and the purpose of it makes its acceptable, even welcomed.

Let Down...

I've come to learn, the hard way might I add, that people, no matter who, will at some point, whether intentionally or unintentionally, will let you down. I'm not referring to being let down in the sense of showing up late or forgetting to bring something you asked them to. I'm talking about a serious let down, a crucial let down that changes your life. It's the worse kind of let down, it is a let down that tips the scales of life, causes a disturbance in the precious balance, shatters hopes and beliefs, cause hatred and disgust; though it may seem an exaggeration, you will face it, you will know it and you will understand it. You cannot, simply cannot, rely on anyone. Granted, in the world we live in and the lives we lead, often times its not much of a choice but a necessity; a flaw in our societies in my opinion. The more self-reliant one becomes, the more you know what really is going on and when there is a let down, it is you doing it to yourself. That is something I can handle, me letting myself down. Trusting someone with something so simple but important that when they screw up, and they will, it totally destroys your perception of your life, is indescribable. That I cannot handle. I do not know whether to kill or cry.

Rage...

Sometimes things just really get to you; the way people can be inconsiderate, the way they can be stupid, their utter blindness to the obvious. I'm no exception I suppose, I probably piss people off to an extent I can only imagine. What do you do with the pent up rage that's accumulating constantly? What do you do when your escapes begin to frustrate you? How do you handle it when there is no release? Because the more you search and fail to find a release for the pent up anger, the more it builds up. I've tried my escapes, they aggravate me, they are no longer releases, they are sources of further rage. Eventually you reach a point where you will either explode or implode. I don't recall ever imploding. Though I don't recall exploding anytime recently, which is not a good thing either. It's about time for another explosion.